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Post  nullnullnull on Sat Jul 09, 2011 9:08 am

fff


Last edited by nullnullnull on Mon Apr 30, 2012 4:24 pm; edited 3 times in total

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Post  null on Sat Jul 09, 2011 10:58 am

ianburnette wrote:Dunkin Doughnuts tests my nerves,
But I feel so quintessentially American
Running on coffee creamed to bleeding,
Driving down the highway of the
Coniferous, a strand of
Deep blue rayon holding everyone
’s sunglasses on and to the beach
Where otherwise they might float
Away. Too much boiled, fried, catharsis
Of scapula excrement off splintered Shrimping
Boats where a man you wouldn’t marry
Is afloat in more than one way:

On the sea and in his stomach, ulcerous,
Matted with yeast, surplus farm bill
Waves of grain. These pebbles are not
Lacking in sheen up against their pearly
Whites, counterparts of the ocean,
And I wonder why I’m writing down
Problems on the back of my therapist
‘s business card
Stained with the very liquid that is yellowing
All of us
Not to mention my teeth.

I've put my favourite lines in red =]

I love the overall feel of this poem- it's very dream-like

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Post  nullnullnull on Sat Jul 09, 2011 4:05 pm

Thanks for the feedback McKayla! Smile

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Post  not affiliated on Wed Mar 07, 2012 12:38 pm

Um. Yeah, Ian. Just want you to know that you are a magic person and I love you. Especially the way you brought the poem to a close. This is such a raw and rational piece. Purely genious.

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Post  unused on Fri Mar 09, 2012 4:45 pm

Every time I read your stuff, Ian, I love the language. Ever read "Oryx and Crake" by Margaret Atwood? No? Yes? Well, the main character in there is a words person. And the book uses that: there are lists of unusual, cool words. And that reminds me of you.
So my favorite part of the poem is the vocabulary, with the idea as a close second/tie for first. With the 'ses and line breaks, you get super ee cummings. Also a like.
Perhaps strangely, the thing I'd cut would be the first line. Just start the poem with "I feel so..." The fact that donuts test your nerves becomes clear in due course.
Great, awesome, spectacular job! Keep eating dictionaries (assumption), and definitely keep writing!
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