Notebook Paper

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Notebook Paper

Post  unknown on Wed Aug 03, 2011 11:49 am

Maybe, you are like
the sky stretching on and on
forever. Expanding like taffy
dipped in blue dye and stretched so
it became bigger, but you are not
the sky. You are more like the
man who starts off the race with
a gunshot. Everyone knows there is no
bullet, but you could have forgotten.
Better yet, you are the virus
that keeps him shivering and sweating for weeks
on end with full knowing that at any moment
his eyes could forget to open. I fear you
because you are everything I love and hate about
myself. No matter how many cuts I give you
to make you bleed, you never will. It becomes nonsense,
simplistic and pointless and you will win. I throw
paper-mache rocks at you and hit
you with the plastic charging snakes until
you are so full of my head you could
almost be me. I envy you.


Apologies for misspellings.

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Re: Notebook Paper

Post  Jessica Swanson on Mon Aug 15, 2011 4:54 pm

Ooooh I like it! The last line was a surprise, so it was cool. I don't understand the title in a GOOD way- it makes me think. I didn't much care for the "taffy with blue dye" because that seemed... I don't know. It didn't make sense as an image. (Why would someone dip taffy in blue dye?)
I LOVED the part about the guy shooting the gun and maybe forgetting that there's not supposed to be a bullet. All in all, awesome poem!
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Re: Notebook Paper

Post  Laura Buczynski on Mon Aug 15, 2011 9:14 pm

I do quite like the poem [: Although unlike Jessica I quite like the taffy in blue dye. XD It's different. I wouldn't think to ever dip taffy in blue dye. XDD

While I like the forgotten bullet and forgetting how to open his eyes, I think they're a bit close together (I mean how can one keep up with all the forgetting??) XD
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Re: Notebook Paper

Post  null on Wed Aug 17, 2011 8:29 pm

I love it! great edits =]

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Re: Notebook Paper

Post  unused on Mon Aug 29, 2011 5:51 pm

Awesome job!! I love loved loved the images in there...I know a few people were saying they didn't like the taffy in blue dye, but I thought it was pretty cool. I could have done without the "Better yet" at the beginning of one of youre lines; it would have been a lot stronger without those two itsy bitsy little words! Awesome job, girl!
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Re: Notebook Paper

Post  unknown on Sat Sep 10, 2011 4:20 pm

Thanks guys! Those are some really great comments, i never would have thought about them. Yea Laura you are right with the repetition of forgetting, I'm back about I find something I like and then I accidentally repeat it.

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